


Killing the Antichrist

by eddiewrites307



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Chaos, FUCK THE COMMISSION, No real violence, Plane trips, Sibling Banter, This is chaos, crowley and aziraphale are godfathers, everyone else: nO, five is on a mission, five's potty mouth, five: yes murder, minivans, no ships, siblinghood, so much cursing, this took ridiculously long to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:28:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26679739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eddiewrites307/pseuds/eddiewrites307
Summary: Five gets a message from the Commission; the Antichrist himself is in a small English town. He's a threat. Dispose of him.Chaos ensues.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 72
Collections: Good Omens, The umbrella academy





	Killing the Antichrist

Five was on a goddamn mission.

The Commission had clued him in for God-knows-what reason that there was a time anomaly in Lower Tadfield, England. According to them, it was a decently big issue, but they couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it, so it was up to Five, as per fucking usual, to clean up this shitstain mess.

“I’m going to England,” he announced to the household of dysfunctional superpowered adults that he called his family. “Don’t worry about why, you don’t want to know, and don’t ask any fucking questions.”

“England?” Klaus popped his head up from where he had been dramatically sprawled across the couch, feet in a grumpy Diego’s lap. “I wanna go to England!”   


“It’d be a nice vacation, after everything,” Allison mused, turning to Vanya, who was next to her. “Don’t you think?”   


Vanya nodded hesitantly, still getting used to the others asking her opinion on things.

“I’ve never been to England,” Luther mumbled. “It’s supposed to be really cool, right?”   


“Oh, yeah, everyone has tea at all times and talks like the damn Queen,” Diego snorted, flipping Luther off when the bigger brother frowned at him. “I’m in.”   


“So’s Ben!” Klaus said cheerily, before hissing fiercely at the air next to him. “No one asked your opinion!”   


Five blinked at the chaos he had inadvertently created, before rolling his eyes violently. “No ones coming with me, you dumbasses, this is a me thing.”   


~   


Safe to say, they all ended up coming with him.

The flight was, in every sense of the word, miserable. Five was sandwiched between Luther and Diego, and was right behind Klaus, who kept peeking over the back of the seat to complain about how the flight would be “soooooo much more fun” if he weren’t sober. Allison and Vanya seemed to be doing alright, at least, across the aisle and sharing headphones as they tuned out their brothers. Fair enough.

“So why are we going to England?”   


Damnit Luther.

“Didn’t I tell you not to ask any fucking questions?” Five hissed. “It’s bad enough I’m stuck dragging you idiots along behind me, and that I’m on a goddamn  _ plane _ , but the least you can do is shut up about it.”   


“Nah, I think you should tell us,” Diego said with a shit eating grin, leaning impossibly further into Five’s personal space. “We’re family, Five, you gotta tell your family everything, right?” This, of course, led to Klaus’ head popping up over his seat again.

“Is dear little Five-y gonna tell us what this is about?” he asked excitedly, earning a weird look from the poor woman seated next to him. “Even Ben wants to know, and he normally doesn’t have the energy for our shenanigans.” He frowned suddenly. “Does it still count as energy if you’re dead?”

Allison paused her and Vanya’s music, turning to fully face the boys. “C’mon Five, if we’re getting into something dangerous, we have the right to know what. It’s not like we’re gonna leave you alone here.”   


“You all need to learn to mind your own fucking business,” Five grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest like the child he wasn’t. “Vanya isn’t bugging me, this is why I like Vanya.”   


Vanya hesitated slightly before speaking. “Actually, I’d like to know too,” she said softly, smiling when her siblings cheered, earning them all dirty looks from the other passengers. Five, who hadn’t cheered, shot her a betrayed look.

“Et tu, Vanya?” When he only received a slightly apologetic smile in response, Five sighed. “Alright, no questions ‘til the end, got it?” He didn’t wait for a response before continuing. “The Commission contacted me about an anomaly in the timeline -”

“Oooooh, what was it?”   


“Damnit, Klaus, he said shut up until the end?”   


“I couldn’t help it, it just spilled out of me, like that one time when I -”   


“ _ Anyway _ ,” Five said through gritted teeth. “They said there was an anomaly in Lower Tadfield, this small town in England. They said they can’t be bothered with it, something about it being above their pay grade, so I’m taking care of it, and I’m doing it alone.”

“Yeah, um, no,” Allsion said firmly. “If this thing is so dangerous that the Commission can’t deal with it, then we’re not letting you do it alone. Do you even know what you’re getting into?”   


“I know exactly what I’m getting into,” Five argued. “I’m just not sharing because you idiots will panic. It’s not like we were raised religiously, anyway,” he added as an afterthought, earning a confused frown from Diego.

“The hell does religion have to do with anything?” he asked slowly.

Five looked from one sibling to the next, categorizing their confused and concerned looks. He sighed. “I’m hunting down the Antichrist.”   


~

The rest of the plane ride was spent with question after question being thrown at Five and him refusing to answer any but the basic ones.

“He’s the son of the Devil, or so I’ve been told.”   


“Yes, Luther, the Devil exists.”   


“Klaus, stop crying about going to Hell, people are looking at you weird.”   


They managed to make it to England without the flight being stopped and anyone being removed from the plane, and made it to the relatively nice hotel in London that Allison, being the true adult of the group, had booked.

The boys were in one room, the girls in another, which all but promised chaos. Luther and Diego had already gotten into a brief squabble over who had to sleep on the couch since they refused to share a bed -- it ended in Diego bruised and Luther bleeding from a knife to the side. No one knew how Diego got all his knives through airport security.

Five was getting ready to leave undetected, when Klaus of all people -- who had been looking for where Diego hid the complimentary alcohol bottles -- saw him. “Five!” Klaus cried out. “Are you trying to leave without us? Your loving and trusting family who only wants to help you, our tiniest brother?”   


“Shut your whore mouth!” Five hissed, but it was too late. Luther was already turning towards him with a frown.

“C’mon, Five, we said we’d do this together,” he said, sad cow eyes out in full force. 

“If we’re leaving now, I’ll tell the girls,” Diego said faux-casually, sending a smirk to Five, who bared his teeth in response. Diego went to knock on the door separating the two rooms.

Minutes later, they were all piling in a rented minivan. Seriously, a minivan. Thanks Allison.

Five was at the wheel, having insisted that if they were all going to impose on his mission, he may as well be the one driving. No one wanted to argue with him, especially not with that insane glint in his eyes. He had granted Vanya shotgun, as she was least likely to drive him to murder. Allison had gotten in the middle with Klaus of all people, leaving Luther and Diego to squash themselves into the backseat.

The drive went like this: imagine Five and Vanya having a nice, calm conversation about the latest musical piece Vanya had been working on, and how she’s debating trying her hand at composition. Now, imagine Klaus and Allison behind them, discussing makeup technique and nail colors while Klaus occasionally makes abstract comments that don’t really pertain to the conversation. Once you have all that in your head, imagine Luther and Diego acting like the overgrown toddlers they are, shoving at each other for more leg room and screaming profanity at each other.

Overall, a typical car ride with the Hargreeves family.

They made it to Lower Tadfield in one piece (more or less, Luther was bleeding again, but no one else was so they all counted it as a win), and parked on the side of the street and got out of the car.

“This is a small town,” Five said slowly, looking around the immediate area. “Everyone knows everyone here. We’ll stick out immediately, so we need an easy backstory.”

“Hear me out,” Klaus piped up, and everyone groaned. “Hear me out! We’re a small time band, yeah? We’re looking for some place we can all live together and practice our country-rock music.”   


“What even is country-rock?” Vanya asked, tilting her head.

Klaus smiled widely at her. “I’m glad you asked! It’s when you -”   


“We don’t have time for this,” Five cut his brother off. “We need an  _ actual _ backstory, not some weird bullshit one.”   


“Keep it simple. We’re family, all adopted, and we’re looking for someplace quiet to stay while we work out familial issues,” Allison said dryly. “It’s not exactly inaccurate.”   


Five considered it for a moment before nodding. “Alright. Everyone, remember, this means we’re normal people. No ghosts, no knives, no whatever the fuck.”   


Diego smirked. “So you have to be thirteen?”

Five grimaced. “Yes, it means I have to be thirteen.”

Diego and Klaus both began snickering at that, and it took a fierce look from Allison to calm them down. Almost immediately, a group of kids rode up to them on bikes.

“Who are you?” the little ringleader demanded. He was an oddly beautiful kid, with golden curls and skin that seemed to glow in the light of the sun. He had aimed his question at Five, and didn’t wait for an answer before barrelling onward. “I’m Adam. Why are you only with adults?”   


“Because we’re family, and I’m stuck with them,” Five said dryly. “I’m Five.”   


Adam made a face. “Your name is Five? Is it a nickname?”   


Five stared at him in silence for a moment. “Sure,” he eventually stated, sounding like he already wanted to kill a child. 

“Awwww, is little Five making a friend?” Klaus all but squealed, mussing Five’s hair, who sent him a furious glare. “I’m so proud!” The rest of the siblings watched in obvious amusement as Five visibly struggled with resisting the urge to break Klaus’ hand, before turning back to Adam and his little gang.

“We’re thinking of moving here,” Five explained. “We need some peace and quiet, you know?”   


Adam nodded sagely. “I bet America is all sorts of loud,” he mused. “That’s where you’re from, innit? America? You have the accent.”

“Yes,” Five nodded.

“You’re not the first American to move here,” the little girl with Adam stated, eyeing Five mistrustfully. “It’s too many. I’m Pepper, by the way. The big one’s Brian, and the one with glasses is Wensleydale.” The two other boys waved as their names were said.   


And they questioned Five’s name? Really? He forced a smile on his face. “It’s nice to meet you guys,” he lied. 

Adam looked over the Hargreeves family, frowning slightly. “There’s something off about you lot,” he declared. “Dunno what, but it’s something. Don’t worry, it makes you more interesting.” He pointed at Klaus suddenly. “You dress like one of my godfathers.”   


“Danke,” Klaus said with a small curtsy.

Adam nodded. “Well, it’s teatime,” he said, more to his gang than to the others. “We ought to be off. See you around, yeah Five?” And with that, the four kids were off, pedaling quickly in the direction that they came from.

As soon as they were out of sight, Five shuddered. “I hate children,” he hissed. 

“You are a child,” Diego said with a snort. “Get used to it.”   


Five smacked his shoulder, then looked around the small area again. “You’d think the Antichrist would be obvious,” he mused. “Someone that you could just look at and tell something is off. I think this is gonna be more difficult than anticipated.”   


Klaus nodded sagely. “I bet it’s one of the little brats we just talked to!” he said cheerfully. “Kids always give me that creeps.”   


He was ignored.

~

In a bookshop in London with a ‘closed’ sign on the door, an angel and a demon were getting absolutely wasted on wine.

“All I’m  _ saying _ is, is that we, you know, you and me, we outta go see him!” Crowley, the demon, was slurring, hanging off of the angel’s shoulder with a snakelike grin. “We haven’t seen the little bastard in a bit, and it’s not like anybodys gonna notice, we averted Armageddon years ago, cmon angel!”

Aziraphale, the angel, blinked absently at him. “I do miss Adam, he’s a sweet boy.”   


“And a bloody powerhouse.”   


“Oh hush, you. Yes, yes, we should see him,” Aziraphale nodded sloppily, spilling a bit of wine down his front. “We’ll go tomorrow!”   


“Tomorrow!” Crowley cheered, raising a wine bottle in toast. “To the bloody Antichrist!”   


“To the Antichrist,” Aziraphale agreed, clinking his own wine bottle against Crowleys. “May there never be another one.”

~   


They ended up going to Tadfield three days later, due to Crowley getting sidetracked by an accidental two-day-nap and Aziraphale not having the heart to wake him. In that time, the Hargreeves had gotten approximately nothing done.

“He’s got to be  _ somewhere! _ ” Five hissed somewhat maniacally, stabbing a map of Lower Tadfield with a knife he stole from Diego. 

Klaus, who had volunteered to stay behind with Five while the others went on a food run (mostly to avoid putting on pants), blinked lazily at him. “Maybe we missed something?”   


“I don’t ‘miss’ things, especially not in a town as small and stupidly fucking insignificant as Lower Tadfield!” Five stabbed the map again, and Klaus slowly approached him, hands raised placatingly.

“C’mon Fivey baby, let’s put the knife down -- or not,” he said weakly as the point of the knife was abruptly shoved under his chin.

Five’s eyes were wide, manic, and bloodshot. “I will figure this out if it  _ kills me _ .” he said in a low tone. “I will annihilate the fucking Antichrist.”   


Klaus backed up. “You do that, buddy. You got this. Whoo-hoo!”   


Five stared absently at the map for a few more minutes, before abruptly standing. “Put some pants on. I don’t care if it’s a skirt, but you can’t leave the room in a glittery thong. We’re going back without the others.”   


~   


There was a brief squabble over driving -- sure, Klaus didn’t drive, but at least he didn’t look prepubescent -- before Five popped right into the driver's seat, successfully ending the debate. They got there quickly enough, with Five breaking every traffic law known to mankind, and Five gracelessly parked behind an ancient Bentley. He eyed it as they got out of the car.

“Odd,” he muttered to himself, but Klaus caught it.

“Everything is odd, Five ol’ boy, you gotta be specific.”   


“The Bentley,” Five said, drawing closer to the car. “This is a 1926 Bentley, they don’t make them like this anymore.”   


Klaus blinked. “Why do you even know that?”   


Five ignored him. “It’s in perfect condition. Nothing replaced, nothing aged or broken. That’s not possible.” He reached out to the car, falling just short of touching it when an angry voice called out.

“Oi! You get your grubby little hands off my car, bratling!”   


A lanky ginger man who wouldn’t look out of place and a rock concert was sauntering towards Five and Klaus, scowling and glaring through his dark glasses. Following him was a chubby gentleman in a waistcoat, and Adam, who Five had been forced to converse with a handful of times now.

Adam waved. “Hi Five!” he said cheerily. “Whatcha doing to Crowley’s car?”   


“Crowley,” Five stated blankly. He looked to the ginger man, who was still fuming. “This is your car?”   


“Obviously,” he sneered, crossing his arms over his skinny chest. “What’s it to you?” The blonde man swatted at him with a hiss about manners, then turned to Five and Klaus with a warm smile.

“My apologies dears, Crowley cut off all ties with politeness a long time ago.” He offered his hand to Klaus, clearly deeming him the adult. “My name is Aziraphale, you know our godson Adam?”   


“I’m Klaus,” Klaus said with a dazzling smile, sliding his hand into Aziraphales and shaking it. “This little darling is Five -- don’t ask. He and Adam are buddies! It’s so precious!”   


Aziraphale cooed, reaching his hand towards Five next. “Hello! It’s so lovely to meet a friend of Adam’s!” 

Five ignored him, still determinedly staring down Crowley. “What’s up with the car?”   


Crowley stared back. “It’s vintage and I don’t want you touching it.”   


“I know it’s vintage, you fucking idiot,” Five hissed with a violent roll of his eyes. He stalked up to Crowley, jabbing a finger into his chest. “How is it in perfect condition? That car is from the 1920s and it looks brand new. Nothing’s replaced. That’s not possible.”   


Crowled sniffed, looking offended as he batted away Five’s hand. “I take good care of my Bentley, that’s all.” He looked down at Adam, who had been watching the exchange with no small amount of amusement. “This is the sort of person you’re running around with?”   


“There’s something funny about him,” Adam shrugged. “I like it.”   


Five jabbed Crowley in the chest again. “Impossible,” he sneered. “You’re too young to be the first owner. Someone along the line would’ve damaged it.”   


Aziraphale cut in with a nervous laugh. “My dear boy, I believe you’re looking too far into things!” he tittered, flapping his hands.

Crowley, who had been staring at Five, expressionless behind dark glasses, gasped. “Angel,” he hissed to Aziraphale. “Hargreeves. They’re Hargreeves.”   


Five and Klaus both froze, and Aziraphale turned to them with a look of fascination. “Hargreeves?” he repeated slowly.

“Fuck,” Five said eloquently, before grabbing Klaus’ arm in a claw like grip and popping them back to their hotel room, leaving the god awful minivan behind.

Klaus stumbled as they landed, gagging dramatically, while Five started pacing. “They recognized us,” he murmured. “They were suspicious, and they recognized us. This complicates things.”   


“And who, exactly, recognized you?”   


Five and Klaus looked up slowly to see Allison, the other siblings behind her, the dreaded Mom Look(™) written across her face.

“Go on,” she said coolly. “What did you two do while we were gone?”

Five sneered slightly. “We were checking out Tadfield agai,” he said darkly. “I’m allowed to do that. We found a lead. A suspicious guy named Crowley, his counterpart Aziraphale. They recognized us, despite having no reason to. I think they’re tied into all this.”   


Before Allison could lecture, Diego interrupted with a snort. “They recognized you? How the hell are you gonna investigate now?”   


“With the one member of our family who was never in the spotlight,” Five said grimly, looking at a very panicked looking Vanya.

“No no no,” she said quickly. “I’m still getting my powers under control, and I can’t lie worth anything. This is a terrible idea.”   


Luther quickly took Five’s side. “It’s the Antichrist, Vanya, we have to save the world.”   


“I-I’m not a hero, I can’t --”   


“Ben believes in you!” Klaus called out from where he had sprawled across one of the beds, and Vanya blinked.

Allison cleared her throat. “Vanya has no training,” she said firmly. “She doesn’t want to. We won’t make her.”

Five snarled, opening his mouth to spit out an argument, when there was a knock from the door. They all froze.

“You expecting someone, Five?” Diego asked, staring at the only point of entry.

“Nope,” Five said quietly. He grabbed the gun he had stowed under one of the beds (“Really Five? You’ve had that this whole time?”) and stuck it in his waistband at the small of his back, creeping towards the door. After checking that everyone was in a fighting position -- even Klaus had stood -- he swung it open.

It was Adam.

“What are you doing here? How did you even get here?” Five asked, baffled. 

“Not the point,” Adam said easily, blinking at him. “Crowley and Aziraphale explained who you lot are. Superheroes,” he grinned. “That’s wicked. Are you here for a reason?”   


“You could say that,” Five said stiffly.    


Adam tilted his head. “Are you looking for someone?”   


Five tensed, eyeing Adam with the sort of trepidation he usually reserved for fully grown assassins, not preteens. “Why do you sound like you know more than you’re letting on?”   


Adam smiled. “Can I come in?”   


Five didn’t hesitate to do so, watching the boy as he moved.

“I bet I can guess who you’re looking for,” Adam said, looking at each of the Hargreeves and waving. “Hello.” He turned back to Five. “There’s not many reasons a bunch of superheroes would be in Lower Tadfield, after all.”   


“Guess, then,” Five said drily, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“The Antichrist.”   


The room suddenly got very, very quiet.

“Sweetheart…” Allison asked slowly. “How do you know about the Antichrist?”   


Adam beamed at her. “It’s obvious, innit?” He spread his arms and the room's temperature dropped by at least ten degrees. The shadows on his face suddenly looked far from human. “I found out recently, you know. I thought I was human until I was eleven. Turns out, the Devil is my real dad. It’s a bit wicked, innit?”

Five moved quickly, grabbing his gun and pressing the muzzle of it to the kids forehead. Adam let out a shout.

“Oi, what are you doing?” He scrambled back, eyes wide. “I didn’t think that was why you wanted me!”   


“You’re a danger to humanity, you --” Five was cut off by Allison yelling over him.

“ _ I heard a rumor you gave me that gun right now, Five Hargreeves! _ ”   


Adam watched in fascination as Five’s eyes glazed over and he silently handed Allison the gun, before shaking his head and coming back to himself with a frown. “Allison, he’s the Antichrist!”   


“He’s a child!” she hissed back, shoving the gun in her purse. She turned to Adam. “Have you ever hurt anyone?”

Adam shook his head quickly. “I don’t want to!” he said firmly. “They tried to make me, and I said no. They wanted me to end the world, but I wouldn’t, I swear! I like the world!”   


Diego tilted his head. “Who’s ‘they’?” he asked.

Adam scratched his head. “Heaven and Hell, of course. They wanted the whole mess of a biblical Apocalypse, but I refused. That’s why Crowley and Aziraphale watch over me, they make sure no one tries it again.” He frowned. “They didn’t count on a superhero trying to kill me. I thought you were cool!” he threw at Five, who looked utterly unaffected.

“They aren’t human,” he said aloud instead of responding to Adam. “That explains the car.”

“Yeah, he’s obsessive about the car.” Suddenly, Adam perked up. “Oh! Hello!”

The Hargreeves whipped around, and there were Aziraphale and Crowley, Aziraphale looking unimpressed and Crowley looking downright pissed.

“You just had to run off and get yourself into trouble, didn’t you dear?” Aziraphale fussed, bustling right past Five to cup Adam’s face. “You could’ve been hurt!”   


“He’s fine,” Crowley said, before grinning and licking his lips with a forked tongue. “But I can ensure these imbeciles won’t be.”   


Aziraphale rolled his eyes. “Don’t try to be fearful, six thousand years I’ve known you and you’ve never actively hurt anyone, lying doesn’t suit you, my dear.”

“You’re ruining my vibe, Angel!”   


“Angel…” Five said slowly, looking from Aziraphale to Crowley. “And demon.”   


“Well you’re a clever one, aren’t you?” Crowley snarked, taking off his glasses and glaring at Five with slitted yellow eyes. Klaus shrieked. He was ignored. “So very clever for a murderer.” He snorted. “Humans, really.”

“Angels and demons, holy  _ shit, _ ” Luther whispered, and Aziraphale sighed.

“I think it’s time for this little adventure to end, don’t you all?” the angel said absently, resting a hand on Adam’s hair. “We have to get this one home before the parents worry. Toodle-loo, now.” With that, he snapped his fingers, and the Hargreeves were suddenly home, luggage neatly stacked alongside them.

“The Antichrist is a child,” Five said blankly.

“I paid for round-trip tickets,” Allison mumbled.

“What the actual fuck just happened?” Klaus whispered to himself.

The six siblings looked at each other, and they all silently agreed on one thing.

They wouldn’t be going back to England for a while.

**Author's Note:**

> Well that was a wild ride.  
> Written for the amazingly patient 2musiclover2 on tumblr, thanks for much for being patient with me!


End file.
